I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
