hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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