some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
