You just made me feel so damn special
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He passed out mid-signature
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize