I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
