when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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