And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
