Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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