i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
