I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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