This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i barfeds in our rink
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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