I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
