I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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