fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
