I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
