Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
