But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
