If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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