I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
