he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
