turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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