I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
