The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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