I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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