I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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