If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
