Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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