He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
