it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
