Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
