imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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