all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
