I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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