you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
