No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This is classic penis vs brain.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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