My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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