remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
