I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
