I love black thongs
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
