Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I faked an abortion last night.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
