God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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