News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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