On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
