Cold hands, warm shart.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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