I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
