Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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