I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
