Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
