i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
