Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
tell me about the fingering
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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