I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
