i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
