it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm passing your future prison.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
