Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
