I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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