I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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