Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i've created a new STD.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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