: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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