are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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